When my ex-boyfriend and I finally reached the final break-up, it was only because I finally wouldn’t accept his bad behavior anymore and take him back. He made it clear he wanted to play the field but have me as one of his options. I was done. In fact, I told him, “You have burned this bridge.” And for me, that was that. He tried to get me to come back. He called me around Christmas time that year (about five months after the final break) and he asked how I was doing, asked me to stop by after work. For the first time since I had known him, I gave him a piece of my mind. I also told him not to contact me again and hung up. And then I cried. It hurt. Just because you make the decision that it is over, doesn’t mean you stop caring about the person. It just means you have finally made the choice to put yourself first.
It is difficult to get to the place where you decide to put yourself first. In my story, there were countless break-ups and make-ups. Each break-up was worse than the last. This was because he knew I would accept his bad behavior because I kept going back. Why did I keep taking him back? In the beginning, he was very kind to me, until he wasn’t. But it wasn’t an all or nothing thing. As most narcissists do, he sprinkled good times in with the increasingly predominant bad times. This can lead to building a trauma bond between you. It did in my case. He basically, at that time in my life, was all I knew and sadly, what was comfortable to me. It became a case of “the devil you know.”
So, how did I decide I’d had enough? There were several factors. I had turned to God and asked him to remove me from that relationship. I had started therapy (a few visits at that time), I had an emotional therapy dog (who I adored), and I had cried off and on, mostly on for over seven years. I was tired of crying. So, when it became clear he only wanted me to be part of a harem he was trying to build and he kept me on the phone for two hours yelling at me, I decided I would do my best to hold firm and not take him back again. It was not easy. I missed him (the good times). I still cried for him (the potential of him). I hurt. I ached. My little dog would jump onto my lap as I was crying and lick away my tears. And with God’s guidance, the help of my little dog and my therapist, I held firm. It was finally finished.
Now, the hard part started. Learning to sit with myself and be okay with being alone. It is hard. But it is an important part of the healing process to get to the other side. On Thursday, I will talk about that and how to make it through.
See you Thursday.
